Jun 11, 2015

Unseen Factors in a desolate mind

im going thro something, n i thought i should blog this. cuz it helped me understand my self a little. so mayb it will help u.
I have Depression issues.

i gota touch on sumthing ok. pls understand what im saying. its not bad , like u think. Its just me. i have a disease . its called depression. like not manic  not a freakn psycho, its just regular depression. My Disease is chronic; meaning forever.
everyone swears im not happy with them.  whether that meant past friends , my family, u , our children.

the question should b, m i happy without them or u. . . ? or do i wish i were dead when ur angry with me or when i cant b with you., do i miss  u  or am i glad ur gone?. 

The answer is id live for u when ive lost all hope n wanna die. isnt that saying something.  i would choose no one in this world over u. n i want no one else... EVER. im 100% ... N if its okay with u. id like to stop crying. so stop assuming k ...  i really dont need any added stress.

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Just because i have issues doesnt mean im not happy. n it doesnt mean im unhappy with u. it just means that im more effected when bad things come up. i wish u could understand me  i really wish ud stop using my emotional state to say im unhappy. cuz u simply dont understand. and for the most part im happy with u. n i dont wana leave n not misrable, i simply have a condition that weighs me down a lil. n im so sorry. cuz my disease does effect those around me. weather i like it or not

when i ask you to take me somewhere. like just us. im searching 4 a feeling. so thats why sumtimes i like to go out. too . sumtimes its nice to stop the thoughts. like a pressure release valve.

i know u dont understand but thats why i do art. when i do a good job. i feel proud. so in turn i feel better.      i know u feel like i avoid u. but thats not what i m doing. if u let me id craft n sit by u on that couch n id b happy as a lark. but u get offended cuz thats not quality time. but i cant fix u. so then i sit there n stare at the walls. cuz im not helping or fixing or creating. then that means im sulking, or thinking or wishing i was not who i am . cuz i want u happy. but i dunno how to b happy . how in the world could i make u happy. 
happiness is found within.  unfortunately,   my box runs on fumes. i have had a bad life. so rather than us arguing cuz u assume u are the reason im "unhappy" .. really pay attention ... unhappiness is a choice. depression is a disease.  n u can read it on my face. my eyes tell u exactly how i feel. if u love me ud know what type of day im having. n try to make me less depressed n stop yelling at me cuz u know i dont love u. thats retarded, cuz i love u with my entire heart n soul.
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truely,
PeNn

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